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“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” Rita Rudner

Here is a great article about training your husband! Haha!

What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage by Amy Sutherland who is the author of “Kicked, Bitten and Scratched: Life and Lessons at the Premier School for Exotic Animal Trainers” (Viking, June 2006). She lives in Boston and in Portland, Me.

AS I wash dishes at the kitchen sink, my husband paces behind me, irritated. “Have you seen my keys?” he snarls, then huffs out a loud sigh and stomps from the room with our dog, Dixie, at his heels, anxious over her favorite human’s upset.

In the past I would have been right behind Dixie. I would have turned off the faucet and joined the hunt while trying to soothe my husband with bromides like, “Don’t worry, they’ll turn up.” But that only made him angrier, and a simple case of missing keys soon would become a full-blown angst-ridden drama starring the two of us and our poor nervous dog.

Now, I focus on the wet dish in my hands. I don’t turn around. I don’t say a word. I’m using a technique I learned from a dolphin trainer.

I love my husband. He’s well read, adventurous and does a hysterical rendition of a northern Vermont accent that still cracks me up after 12 years of marriage.

But he also tends to be forgetful, and is often tardy and mercurial. He hovers around me in the kitchen asking if I read this or that piece in The New Yorker when I’m trying to concentrate on the simmering pans. He leaves wadded tissues in his wake. He suffers from serious bouts of spousal deafness but never fails to hear me when I mutter to myself on the other side of the house. “What did you say?” he’ll shout.

These minor annoyances are not the stuff of separation and divorce, but in sum they began to dull my love for Scott. I wanted — needed — to nudge him a little closer to perfect, to make him into a mate who might annoy me a little less, who wouldn’t keep me waiting at restaurants, a mate who would be easier to love.

So, like many wives before me, I ignored a library of advice books and set about improving him. By nagging, of course, which only made his behavior worse: he’d drive faster instead of slower; shave less frequently, not more; and leave his reeking bike garb on the bedroom floor longer than ever.

We went to a counselor to smooth the edges off our marriage. She didn’t understand what we were doing there and complimented us repeatedly on how well we communicated. I gave up. I guessed she was right — our union was better than most — and resigned myself to stretches of slow-boil resentment and occasional sarcasm.

Then something magical happened. For a book I was writing about a school for exotic animal trainers, I started commuting from Maine to California, where I spent my days watching students do the seemingly impossible: teaching hyenas to pirouette on command, cougars to offer their paws for a nail clipping, and baboons to skateboard.

I listened, rapt, as professional trainers explained how they taught dolphins to flip and elephants to paint. Eventually it hit me that the same techniques might work on that stubborn but lovable species, the American husband.

The central lesson I learned from exotic animal trainers is that I should reward behavior I like and ignore behavior I don’t. After all, you don’t get a sea lion to balance a ball on the end of its nose by nagging. The same goes for the American husband.

Back in Maine, I began thanking Scott if he threw one dirty shirt into the hamper. If he threw in two, I’d kiss him. Meanwhile, I would step over any soiled clothes on the floor without one sharp word, though I did sometimes kick them under the bed. But as he basked in my appreciation, the piles became smaller.

I was using what trainers call “approximations,” rewarding the small steps toward learning a whole new behavior. You can’t expect a baboon to learn to flip on command in one session, just as you can’t expect an American husband to begin regularly picking up his dirty socks by praising him once for picking up a single sock. With the baboon you first reward a hop, then a bigger hop, then an even bigger hop. With Scott the husband, I began to praise every small act every time: if he drove just a mile an hour slower, tossed one pair of shorts into the hamper, or was on time for anything.

I also began to analyze my husband the way a trainer considers an exotic animal. Enlightened trainers learn all they can about a species, from anatomy to social structure, to understand how it thinks, what it likes and dislikes, what comes easily to it and what doesn’t. For example, an elephant is a herd animal, so it responds to hierarchy. It cannot jump, but can stand on its head. It is a vegetarian.

The exotic animal known as Scott is a loner, but an alpha male. So hierarchy matters, but being in a group doesn’t so much. He has the balance of a gymnast, but moves slowly, especially when getting dressed. Skiing comes naturally, but being on time does not. He’s an omnivore, and what a trainer would call food-driven.

Once I started thinking this way, I couldn’t stop. At the school in California, I’d be scribbling notes on how to walk an emu or have a wolf accept you as a pack member, but I’d be thinking, “I can’t wait to try this on Scott.”

On a field trip with the students, I listened to a professional trainer describe how he had taught African crested cranes to stop landing on his head and shoulders. He did this by training the leggy birds to land on mats on the ground. This, he explained, is what is called an “incompatible behavior,” a simple but brilliant concept.

Rather than teach the cranes to stop landing on him, the trainer taught the birds something else, a behavior that would make the undesirable behavior impossible. The birds couldn’t alight on the mats and his head simultaneously.

At home, I came up with incompatible behaviors for Scott to keep him from crowding me while I cooked. To lure him away from the stove, I piled up parsley for him to chop or cheese for him to grate at the other end of the kitchen island. Or I’d set out a bowl of chips and salsa across the room. Soon I’d done it: no more Scott hovering around me while I cooked.

I followed the students to SeaWorld San Diego, where a dolphin trainer introduced me to least reinforcing syndrome (L. R. S.). When a dolphin does something wrong, the trainer doesn’t respond in any way. He stands still for a few beats, careful not to look at the dolphin, and then returns to work. The idea is that any response, positive or negative, fuels a behavior. If a behavior provokes no response, it typically dies away.

In the margins of my notes I wrote, “Try on Scott!”

It was only a matter of time before he was again tearing around the house searching for his keys, at which point I said nothing and kept at what I was doing. It took a lot of discipline to maintain my calm, but results were immediate and stunning. His temper fell far shy of its usual pitch and then waned like a fast-moving storm. I felt as if I should throw him a mackerel.

Now he’s at it again; I hear him banging a closet door shut, rustling through papers on a chest in the front hall and thumping upstairs. At the sink, I hold steady. Then, sure enough, all goes quiet. A moment later, he walks into the kitchen, keys in hand, and says calmly, “Found them.”

Without turning, I call out, “Great, see you later.”

Off he goes with our much-calmed pup.

After two years of exotic animal training, my marriage is far smoother, my husband much easier to love. I used to take his faults personally; his dirty clothes on the floor were an affront, a symbol of how he didn’t care enough about me. But thinking of my husband as an exotic species gave me the distance I needed to consider our differences more objectively.

I adopted the trainers’ motto: “It’s never the animal’s fault.” When my training attempts failed, I didn’t blame Scott. Rather, I brainstormed new strategies, thought up more incompatible behaviors and used smaller approximations. I dissected my own behavior, considered how my actions might inadvertently fuel his. I also accepted that some behaviors were too entrenched, too instinctive to train away. You can’t stop a badger from digging, and you can’t stop my husband from losing his wallet and keys.

PROFESSIONALS talk of animals that understand training so well they eventually use it back on the trainer. My animal did the same. When the training techniques worked so beautifully, I couldn’t resist telling my husband what I was up to. He wasn’t offended, just amused. As I explained the techniques and terminology, he soaked it up. Far more than I realized.

Last fall, firmly in middle age, I learned that I needed braces. They were not only humiliating, but also excruciating. For weeks my gums, teeth, jaw and sinuses throbbed. I complained frequently and loudly. Scott assured me that I would become used to all the metal in my mouth. I did not.

One morning, as I launched into yet another tirade about how uncomfortable I was, Scott just looked at me blankly. He didn’t say a word or acknowledge my rant in any way, not even with a nod.

I quickly ran out of steam and started to walk away. Then I realized what was happening, and I turned and asked, “Are you giving me an L. R. S.?” Silence. “You are, aren’t you?”

He finally smiled, but his L. R. S. has already done the trick. He’d begun to train me, the American wife.

“All television is educational television. The question is: what is it teaching?” Nicholas Johnson

Wow, these statistics are really scary regarding kids and TV!

The following article is from Kids Health and is very informative!

Most children plug into the world of television long before they enter school: 70% of child-care centers use TV during a typical day. In a year, the average child spends 900 hours in school and nearly 1,023 hours in front of a TV.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), kids in the United States watch about 4 hours of TV a day - even though the AAP guidelines say children older than 2 should watch no more than 1 to 2 hours a day of quality programming.

And, according to the guidelines, children under age 2 should have no “screen time” (TV, DVDs or videotapes, computers, or video games) at all. During the first 2 years, a critical time for brain development, TV can get in the way of exploring, learning, and spending time interacting and playing with parents and others, which helps young children develop the skills they need to grow cognitively, physically, socially, and emotionally.

Of course, television, in moderation, can be a good thing: Preschoolers can get help learning the alphabet on public television, grade schoolers can learn about wildlife on nature shows, and parents can keep up with current events on the evening news. No doubt about it - TV can be an excellent educator and entertainer.

But despite its advantages, too much television can be detrimental:

• Research has shown that children who consistently spend more than 4 hours per day watching TV are more likely to be overweight.
• Kids who view violent events, such as a kidnapping or murder, are also more likely to believe that the world is scary and that something bad will happen to them.
• Research also indicates that TV consistently reinforces gender-role and racial stereotypes.

Children’s advocates are divided when it comes to solutions. Although many urge for more hours per week of educational programming, others assert that no TV is the best solution. And some say it’s better for parents to control the use of TV and to teach children that it’s for occasional entertainment, not for constant escapism.

That’s why it’s so important for you to monitor the content of TV programming and set viewing limits to ensure that your child doesn’t spend time watching TV that should be spent on other activities, such as playing with friends, exercising, and reading.

Violence

To give you perspective on just how much violence kids see on TV, consider this: The average American child will witness 200,000 violent acts on television by age 18. TV violence sometimes begs for imitation because violence is often demonstrated and promoted as a fun and effective way to get what you want.

And as the AAP points out, many violent acts are perpetrated by the “good guys,” whom children have been taught to emulate. Even though children are taught by their parents that it’s not right to hit, television says it’s OK to bite, hit, or kick if you’re the good guy. And even the “bad guys” on TV aren’t always held responsible or punished for their actions.

The images children absorb can also leave them traumatized and vulnerable. According to research, children ages 2 to 7 are particularly frightened by scary-looking things like grotesque monsters. Simply telling children that those images aren’t real won’t console them, because they can’t yet distinguish between fantasy and reality.

Kids ages 8 to 12 are frightened by the threat of violence, natural disasters, and the victimization of children, whether those images appear on fictional shows, the news, or reality-based shows. Reasoning with children this age will help them, so it’s important to provide reassuring and honest information to help ease your child’s fears. However, you may want to avoid letting your child view programs that he or she may find frightening.

Risky Behaviors

TV is chock full of programs and commercials that often depict risky behaviors such as sex and substance abuse as cool, fun, and exciting. And often, there’s no discussion about the consequences of drinking alcohol, doing drugs, smoking cigarettes, and having premarital sex.

For example, studies have shown that teens who watch lots of sexual content on TV are more likely to initiate intercourse or participate in other sexual activities earlier than peers who don’t watch sexually explicit shows.

Alcohol ads on TV have actually increased over the last few years and more underage children are being exposed to them than ever. A recent study conducted by the Center on Alcohol Marketing and Youth (CAMY) at Georgetown University found that the top 15 teen-oriented programs in 2003 had alcohol ads.

And although they’ve banned cigarette ads on television, kids and teens can still see plenty of people smoking on programs and movies airing on TV. This kind of “product placement” makes behaviors like smoking and drinking alcohol seem acceptable. In fact, kids who watch 5 or more hours of TV per day are far more likely to begin smoking cigarettes than those who watch less than the recommended 2 hours a day.

Obesity

Health experts have long linked excessive TV-watching to obesity - a significant health problem today. While watching TV, children are inactive and tend to snack. They’re also bombarded with advertising messages that encourage them to eat unhealthy foods such as potato chips and empty-calorie soft drinks that often become preferred snack foods.

Too much educational TV has the same indirect effect on children’s health. Even if children are watching 4 hours of quality educational television, that still means they’re not exercising, reading, socializing, or spending time outside.

But studies have shown that decreasing the amount of TV children watched led to less weight gain and lower body mass index (BMI - a measurement derived from someone’s weight and height).

Commercials

According to the AAP, children in the United States see 40,000 commercials each year. From the junk food and toy advertisements during Saturday morning cartoons to the appealing promos on the backs of cereal boxes, marketing messages inundate kids of all ages. And to them, everything looks ideal - like something they simply have to have. It all sounds so appealing - often, so much better than it really is.

Under the age of 8 years, most children don’t understand that commercials are for selling a product. Children 6 years and under are unable to distinguish program content from commercials, especially if their favorite character is promoting the product. Even older children may need to be reminded of the purpose of advertising.

Of course, it’s nearly impossible to eliminate all exposure to marketing messages. You can certainly turn off the TV or at least limit kids’ watching time, but they’ll still see and hear advertisements for the latest gizmos and must-haves at every turn.

But what you can do is teach your child to be a savvy consumer by talking about what he or she thinks about the products being advertised as you’re watching TV together. Ask thought-provoking questions like, “What do you like about that?,” “Do you think it’s really as good as it looks in that ad?,” and “Do you think that’s a healthy choice?”

Explain, when your child asks for products he or she sees advertised, that commercials and other ads are designed to make people want things they don’t necessarily need. And these ads are often meant to make us think that these products will make us happier somehow. Talking to kids about what things are like in reality can help put things into perspective.

To limit your child’s exposure to TV commercials, the AAP recommends that you:

• Have your kids watch public television stations (some programs are sponsored - or “brought to you” - by various companies, although the products they sell are rarely shown).
• Tape programs - without the commercials.
• Buy or rent children’s videos or DVDs.

Understanding TV Ratings and the V-Chip

Two ways you can help monitor what your child watches are:

TV Parental Guidelines. Modeled after the movie rating system, this is an age-group rating system developed for TV programs. These ratings are listed in television guides, TV listings in your local newspaper, and on the screen in your cable program guide. They also appear in the upper left-hand corner of the screen during the first 15 seconds of TV programs. But not all channels offer the rating system. For those that do, the ratings are:

• TV-Y: suitable for all children
• TV-Y7: directed toward kids 7 years and older (children who are able to distinguish between make-believe and reality); may contain “mild fantasy violence or comedic violence” that may scare younger kids
• TV-Y7-FV: fantasy violence may be more intense in these programs than others in the TV-Y7 rating
• TVG: suitable for a general audience; not directed specifically toward children, but contains little to no violence, sexual dialogue or content, or strong language
• TV-PG: parental guidance suggested; may contain an inappropriate theme for younger children and contains one or more of the following: moderate violence (V), some sexual situations (S), occasional strong language (L), and some suggestive dialogue (D)
• TV-14: parents strongly cautioned - suitable for only children over the age of 14; contains one or more of the following: intense violence (V), intense sexual situations (S), strong language (L), and intensely suggestive dialogue
• TV-MA: designed for adults and may be unsuitable for kids under 17; contains one or more of the following: graphic violence (V), strong sexual activity (S), and/and crude language (L)

V-chip (V is for “violence”). This technology was designed to enable you to block television programs and movies you don’t want your child to see. All new TV sets that have screens of 13″ or more now have internal V-chips, but set-top boxes are available for TVs made before 2000. So how exactly does the V-chip work? It allows you to program your TV to display only the appropriately-rated shows - blocking out any other, more mature shows.

The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) requires that V-chips in new TVs recognize the TV Parental Guidelines and the age-group rating system and block those programs that don’t adhere to these standards.

For many, the rating system and V-chip may be valuable tools. But there is some concern that the system may be worse than no system at all. For example, research shows that preteen and teen boys are more likely to want to see a program if it’s rated MA (mature audience) than if it’s PG (parental guidance suggested). And parents may rely too heavily on these tools and stop monitoring what their children are watching.

Also, broadcast news, sports, and commercials aren’t rated, although they often present depictions of violence and sexuality. The rating system also doesn’t satisfy some family advocates who complain that they fail to give enough information about a program’s content to allow parents to make informed decisions about whether a show is appropriate for their child.

So even if you’ve used the V-chip to program your TV or a show features the age-group ratings, it’s still important to preview shows to determine whether they’re appropriate for your child and turn off the TV if the content becomes inappropriate for your child.

Teaching Your Child Good TV Habits

Here are some practical ways you can make TV-viewing more productive in your home:

• Limit the number of TV-watching hours:
  • Stock the room in which you have your TV with plenty of other non-screen entertainment (books, kids’ magazines, toys, puzzles, board games, etc.) to encourage your child to do something other than watch the tube.
  • Keep TVs out of your child’s bedroom.
  • Turn the TV off during meals.
  • Don’t allow your child to watch TV while doing homework.
  • Treat TV as a privilege that your child needs to earn - not a right to which he or she is entitled. Tell your child that TV-viewing is allowed only after chores and homework are completed.
• Try a weekday ban. Schoolwork, sports activities, and job responsibilities make it tough to find extra family time during the week. Record weekday shows or save TV time for weekends, and you’ll have more family togetherness time to spend on meals, games, physical activity, and reading during the week.
• Set a good example by limiting your own television viewing.
• Check the TV listings and program reviews ahead of time for programs your family can watch together (i.e., developmentally appropriate and nonviolent programs that reinforce your family’s values). Choose shows, says the AAP, that foster interest and learning in hobbies and education (reading, science, etc.).
• Preview programs before your child watches them.
• Come up with a family TV schedule that you all agree upon each week. Then, post the schedule in a visible area (i.e., on the refrigerator) somewhere around the house so that everyone knows which programs are OK to watch and when. And make sure to turn off the TV when the “scheduled” program is over, instead of channel surfing until something gets your or your child’s interest.
• Watch TV with your child. If you can’t sit through the whole program, at least watch the first few minutes to assess the tone and appropriateness, then check in throughout the show.
• Talk to your child about what he or she sees on TV and share your own beliefs and values. If something you don’t approve of appears on the screen, you can turn off the TV, then use the opportunity to ask your child thought-provoking questions such as, “Do you think it was OK when those men got in that fight? What else could they have done? What would you have done?” Or, “What do you think about how those teenagers were acting at that party? Do you think what they were doing was wrong?” If certain people or characters are mistreated or discriminated against, talk about why it’s important to treat everyone equal, despite their differences. You can use TV to explain confusing situations and express your feelings about difficult topics (sex, love, drugs, alcohol, smoking, work, behavior, family life). Teach your child to question and learn from what he or she views on TV.
• Talk to other parents, your child’s doctor, and your child’s teachers about their TV-watching policies and kid-friendly programs they’d recommend.
• Offer fun alternatives to television. If your child wants to watch TV, but you want him or her to turn off the tube, suggest that you and your child play a board game, start a game of hide and seek, play outside, read, work on crafts or hobbies, or listen and dance to music. The possibilities for fun without the tube are endless - so turn off the TV and enjoy the quality time you’ll have to spend with your child.

Updated and reviewed by: Mary L. Gavin, MD
Date reviewed: February 2005
Originally reviewed by: Steve Dowshen, MD

Potty training your toddler can be a very tricky thing!  Here is some great advice from the Super Nanny Team…(We love the Nanny!!!!)

When you reach the stage where you’ve spent a good two years changing diapers (not to mention hundreds of dollars buying them!) you’ll probably long for the day when your child happily races off to the potty without any prompting from you when the urge strikes. Try not to rush into it though – because if your toddler isn’t ready it could cause problems that mean it takes much longer to get him dry. Looking out for the signs he might be ready and taking it from there means you can help him train himself. 

 When are they ready?

While some babies have dry days from around 18 months, you’re more likely to potty train successfully if you wait until your child is between 2 and 2½ years. At this point he’s more likely to be developmentally ready and may be showing an interest in how you go to the bathroom. Often this ties in with what stage his peer group is at – if he goes to daycare, where the ‘big boys’ are out of diapers, or if he sees older siblings going, he’ll probably be keen to use the toilet too. Every child is different though, so do hang on for longer if your toddler shows no signs of control or no interest in learning.

What are the signs?

In order to be ready for potty training your child has to be aware of the pressure in his bladder or bowel and understand that it signals the urge to go to the toilet. He also needs the control to hang on until he gets to the potty or bathroom and the ability to pull down his underwear. Although you might be under pressure to get your toddler toilet trained by your mom (back in the day moms did it much sooner, so she may tell you that you were dry by 2) or by your child’s daycare center, your child simply won’t be able to hold on until he acquires these skills. Watch out for these signs:

• He tends to go at the same time For example, he may get into the habit of having a bowel movement after breakfast.
• His diaper stays dry for longer When you change him you may notice the diaper is very light because he hasn’t actually used it. If he can stray dry for three or more hours, it’s a good sign he’s learning to control his bladder. 
• He notices when he’s wet or soiled and tells you he feels uncomfortable.

Some children find the act of pooping quite emotional and can get upset. Be cheerful and matter of fact about it, saying, “Out it comes” and letting your toddler wave goodbye to it as it’s flushed

Picking a potty

Take your toddler with you to choose his potty as this will mean he’s more likely to use it! A conventional potty should have a non-slip base so it sits firmly on the floor and doesn’t skid, as this could make your child feel insecure about sitting on it or getting up. A potty with a lid should have an inner bowl that lifts out easily from the top. You can also get musical potties that play a tune any time your toddler is successful and these can be great for encouraging a reluctant performer!

The best time to start

You need to be ready to potty train too. Don’t plan it in for a time when your schedule is particularly busy and you’re preoccupied with other matters, and if you’re unwell postpone it – ditto if your child is under the weather. You should also avoid doing it at times that may be stressful for your child, for example if you’ve recently had a new baby or moved house. Plan to do it when the weather is good, so you can let your toddler go without his diaper indoors and he doesn’t have too many layers of clothing to remove when you’re out.

Making it easier

• Start watching out for your toddler’s signals and label what he’s feeling: “You need to go potty?” Then take him to sit on the potty and label what he’s about to do: “Go pee-pee” or “go poop”, for example. This helps him make the connection between what he’s feeling and doing. It will also help him understand that the potty is where he should do it, so that he starts to associate the potty with pooping or peeing.
• If he just misses the potty and poops on the floor, don’t make a fuss – use a wipe to transfer the poop into the potty to reinforce the idea that that’s where it should go.
• Remind him regularly and ask him to come to the toilet with you when you go. Give him lots of praise and positive attention when he gets it right. If it’s taking longer than three weeks, try using a reward chart with stickers for each successful trip, and a mini-reward for a dry day. 
• Get him in the habit of washing his hands after every potty session, and encourage him to wipe his own bottom as soon as he seems able (bear in mind he probably won’t be able to manage this properly until he’s around 5). Girls should be shown how to wipe from front to back to avoid transferring bacteria into the vagina.

Dealing with accidents

They’re inevitable in the early days, especially if your child is distracted by play. Try to ignore them – instead, praise him when he’s successful. Make sure you have plenty of changes of clothes and if you’re out and about, stash spares in your bag along with a diaper just in case you get down to the last pair of dry shorts! A stash of diaper bags is handy too, for storing wet or soiled clothing. 

Someone recently gave this poem to me and I wanted to share it with all of you moms … just in case you need a reminder of the importance of your role as “mother”.

The house is untidy from window to door,  

Marks on the walls and food on the floor.

The clothes are unwashed and the dishes are too.

There’s scum in the bathroom and fat on the stew.

There are toys in the passage and under our feet.

The garden’s a jungle when seen from the street.

So what have I done, then to earn my repose?

To just look around me you’d say no-one knows.

I’ve held a small hand as her first steps she took.

I’ve made animal noises as we read a book.

I’ve built a mud pieand admired a snail.

I’ve rescued the cat from a grip on her tail.

I’ve wiped away tears, and I’ve listened to tales.

I’ve used medication to get smiles from wails.

So I guess what I’ve done isn’t easy to see,

It won’t cleen the house and it won’t cook the tea.

But if I’ve helped make a child feel good,

Know that she’s loved and that she’s understood,

Then I know that my work, though not easy to see,

Is just as important as any could be! 

(aurthor unknown)

“I saw it, I liked it, I bought it.”  Josephine

Okay, this blog is not for advertising but this sale is just way too big not to mention…

If you love boutique baby clothes you have to visit Born Fabulous this weekend for an amazing sale!  Boutique baby clothes and designer diaper bags at 40% OFF!

• You won’t want to miss this sale!
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• Includes new 2008 spring summer merchandise!

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Looking for a great deal on girls boutique clothing? Need a new arrival baby gift? Summer 2008 girls boutique swimwear? Designer toddler tote or diaper bag? Toddler special occasion dresses? Then be sure to checkout our 2 day sale! Prices will be marked back on Monday, so don’t miss out! No code needed, sale prices reflected on site.

Shop sale items now!

“Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs… since the payment is pure love.”  Mildred B. Vermont

Happy belated Mother’s Day!!!  Okay, I’m new to this blog thing…just pretend this was three days ago.  Today is your day!  Maybe you received a macaroni craft from your kids or maybe your husband somehow managed to scrape together breakfast in bed (haha).  However you celebrated I hope it was great! 

Just remember how important you are and that everyday is worth it when you’re a mom!

“You go as far as you can see and when you get there you will always be able to see further.”  Zig Ziglar

One thing that I am just beginning to learn and implement in my life is goal setting.  Goals don’t have to be on a large scale and they don’t need to please anyone else.  It is so important to set daily goals and even write them down if you need to (I find this very helpful).  Sometimes my goal for the day is to shower and if I accomplish that tomorrow I can add putting on make-up to my list! 

Of course there is a thousand things we would like to do during the day but it just isn’t realistic.  Sometimes it is helpful to think on a smaller scale and take things one baby step at a time.  After all, it is baby steps that create the outcome of our lifetime goals.

Here are some great goal setting tips from Mind Tools…

 

• State each goal as a positive statement: Express your goals positively - ‘Execute this technique well’ is a much better goal than ‘Don’t make this stupid mistake.’

• Be precise: Set a precise goal, putting in dates, times and amounts so that you can measure achievement. If you do this, you will know exactly when you have achieved the goal, and can take complete satisfaction from having achieved it.

• Set priorities: When you have several goals, give each a priority. This helps you to avoid feeling overwhelmed by too many goals, and helps to direct your attention to the most important ones.

• Write goals down: This crystallizes them and gives them more force.

• Keep operational goals small: Keep the low-level goals you are working towards small and achievable. If a goal is too large, then it can seem that you are not making progress towards it. Keeping goals small and incremental gives more opportunities for reward. Derive today’s goals from larger ones.

• Set performance goals, not outcome goals: You should take care to set goals over which you have as much control as possible. There is nothing more dispiriting than failing to achieve a personal goal for reasons beyond your control. In business, these could be bad business environments or unexpected effects of government policy. In sport, for example, these reasons could include poor judging, bad weather, injury, or just plain bad luck. If you base your goals on personal performance, then you can keep control over the achievement of your goals and draw satisfaction from them.

• Set realistic goals: It is important to set goals that you can achieve. All sorts of people (employers, parents, media, society) can set unrealistic goals for you. They will often do this in ignorance of your own desires and ambitions. Alternatively you may set goals that are too high, because you may not appreciate either the obstacles in the way or understand quite how much skill you need to develop to achieve a particular level of performance.

Choose 1 to 2 behaviors you would like to change (such as bedtime habits, tooth brushing or picking up toys). Choose a reward your child would enjoy. Examples of good rewards are an extra bedtime story, delaying bedtime by half an hour, a preferred snack or, for older children, earning points toward a special toy, a privilege or a small amount of money.

Explain the desired behavior and the reward to the child. For example, “If you get into your pajamas and brush your teeth before this TV show is over, you can stay up a half hour later.” Request the behavior only one time. If the child does what you ask, give the reward. You can help the child if necessary but don’t get too involved. Because any attention from parents, even negative attention, is so rewarding to children, they may prefer to have parental attention instead of a reward at first. Transition statements, such as, “In 5 minutes, play time will be over,” are helpful when you are teaching your child new behaviors.

This system helps you avoid power struggles with your child. However, your child is not punished if he or she chooses not to behave as you ask; he or she simply does not get the reward.

Ask the child to do a task. Set a timer. If the task is done before the timer rings, your child gets a reward. To decide the amount of time to give the child, figure out your child’s “best time” to do that task and add 5 minutes.

The Good Behavior Game (good for teaching a new behavior)

Write a short list of good behaviors on a chart and mark the chart with a star each time you see the good behavior. After your child has earned a small number of stars (depending on the child’s age), give him or her a reward.

Good Marks/Bad Marks (best method for difficult, highly active children)

In a short time (about an hour) put a mark on a chart or on your child’s hand each time you see him or her performing a good behavior. For example, if you see your child playing quietly, solving a problem without fighting, picking up toys or reading a book, you would mark the chart. After a certain number of marks, give your child a reward. You can also make negative marks each time a bad behavior occurs. If you do this, only give your child a reward if there are more positive marks than negative marks.

Developing Quiet Time (often useful when you’re making supper)

Ask your child to play quietly alone or with a sibling for a short time (maybe 30 minutes). Check on your child frequently (every 2 to 5 minutes, depending on the child’s age) and give a reward or a token for each few minutes they were quiet or playing well. Gradually increase the intervals (go from checking your child’s behavior every 2 to 5 minutes to checking every 30 minutes), but continue to give rewards for each time period your child was quiet or played well.

Accept your child’s basic personality, whether it’s shy, social, talkative or active. Basic personality can be changed a little, but not very much. Try to avoid situations that can make your child cranky, such as becoming overly stimulated, tired or bored. Don’t criticize your child in front of other people. Describe your child’s behavior as bad, but don’t label your child as bad. Praise your child often when he or she deserves it. Touch him or her affectionately and often. Children want and need attention from their parents.

Develop little routines and rituals, especially at bedtimes and meal times. Provide transition remarks (such as “In 5 minutes, we’ll be eating dinner.”). Allow your child choices whenever possible. For example, you can ask, “Do you want to wear your red pajamas or your blue pajamas to bed tonight?”

As children get older, they may enjoy becoming involved in household rule making. Don’t debate the rules at the time of misbehavior, but invite your child to participate in rule making at another time.

Children who learn that bad behavior is not tolerated and that good behavior is rewarded are learning skills that will last them a lifetime.

“How we spend our days is how we spend our lives.”  Annie Dillard

When your son or daughter is all grown up and looks back on life what will be remembered?  Will he think of how clean you kept the kitchen floor or how your hair was never out of place?  Probably not.  But, he will remember something as silly as pretending to be ducks with you.

As a mom, you have so many hats to wear (and no, I don’t mean the designer Ed Hardy hat in your closet).  Whether you are a working mom or a stay at home mom (who is also a working mom of a different type) the responsibilities are endless!  We would all love if we could do nothing but play with our kids all day long but that’s not reality. 

So, what is a hip mom to do?  It all comes down to balance.  Find a routine that works for you and stick to it.  Make time for special activities to do with your children on a daily (as simple as reading together) to weekly trips to the park.  Before you know it they will be in college and at least you will know you were a mom on a mission and you succeeded!